Her Turbulent Mind

“Hey mama.” Diana muttered, sitting on the couch, massaging her temples, feeling guilty for not being able to control her gloomy attitude towards her mother. After all, she lives seas away, and they rarely talk after she moved away.

“Daughter, are you alright?” I’m alright, mostly. What must she say? No, I’m not? For how will this hiding go on? When will her suppressed emotions finally breakthrough? She cleared her throat. “I’m alright.” A little longer, she thought, even if patience is hard. She just woke up and reality hit her.

“Are you upset of yourself?” Is she a magician, hitting the accurate spell? Diana closed her eyes, barely able to talk. Her throat felt heavy, as if her screams are climbing their way up, clawing their way out. “Not really.” She coughed, afraid it might turn into a sob. “Bad throat.”

It’s been four months since their marriage, something might be wrong in the office, or his business, the way he’s acting now. “Don’t be child, Ryan is just stressed.” Her mother sighed through the phone. Maybe because he called you finally, and said he wants nothing to do with me, that I’m sick.

“I’ve known him since he was ten, how hard-working, responsible he is. I know even if it’s not his fault, he blames himself, because I know he loves you.” Her mother went on. “You’re upset you’re sick, but he isn’t, he just stressed.” And brooding, preserved, less-talkative, quiet, everything that screams ‘ignore your wife and forget her name’, she wanted to add, but something bugged her.

“Why are telling me all this? I know him.” Do I? Of course she does, it isn’t the end of the world, she can’t lose hope. It’s just a moment of life. They just married, but since it was her first experience, it was painful being ignored.

“He called me.” Diana’s heart dropped. She just guessed it, she wasn’t sure, she knew he’d never do that, but again she doubted. She breathed sharply, biting her lip forcefully. I knew it. He’s tired of me, of my sickness…

“I’m so….sorry, m..mama.” She broke down into a fit of sobs. “I-I…I knew he c-couldn’t. I-I told you…he w-wouldn’t.” She whined, not able to take the pain. She told her mother not to marry them, he loves her, but he’s human after all. “Diana, stop crying now, listen to me. Y- ” Diana cut her of her mother’s stern panic. “I’ll pack…I-I’ll come, don’t worry.”

She cut the phone with shivering hands, throwing it on the coffee table gently and brushed her hair, cupping her cheeks and patting them, biting her lip. Her heartbeats quickened. He was her friend, but there’s a limit to bearing something sick, and he couldn’t bear her, like any other being, like her daddy who died of attack the moment the news of her disease hit him. He was weak, he couldn’t take it, now Ryan, too, can’t take it.

Half an hour later, she sat at the dining holding glass of water, everything packed.

The door opened. She jumped. “Salam.” She couldn’t even remember much, as if memories were dying with their love, just his words from once when he held her palm to his heart and said, ‘God knows I love you more than the nerves in my body, more than each ray of sunshine’.

She moved as he came, sitting beside her, making her jittery. “I’ll get water.” He took her glass instead, “No need,” drinking as she gaped.

He noticed, frowning at her. “Darling, did you cry?” Her jaw dropped as he came down near her knees, cupping her face in genuine concern. She racked her brain, but nothing came. What happened to him?

“Dania?” Ryan’s frown deepened as she teared up, holding his hands, trembling. “D-Don’t…don’t leave me, R-Ryan…”

“What?” He questioned. “Mama said you called her,” She took a deep breath. “I know my heart’s defected, I’m sick, but..please.”

His eyes widened slightly in apprehension and he muttered, “Alhamdulillah.” He got up, helping her as well as she quietly sobbed, brushing her hair. “Wallahi, Diana, you don’t have a heart disease, your dad did, you have amnesia.”

She froze, amnesia? He’s joking. “N-No.”

“Yes, do you remember our beach trip yesterday, and you fainted?” She struggled, closing her eyes and some remnants of them playing came rushing. She gasped.

“I remember.” She whispered, wiping her tears as she tried to laugh. He pulled her into a hug. “You must’ve forgot again, darling.”

She crushed him with all her power. “A-And mama?”

“I was stressed and talked to her.” She sighed.

“We’ll live each moment, darling, thank the god, and we’ll walk to paradise. I’ll guide you as you lose your way.”