The last few weeks have been challenging for me because I lost sight of what actually matters.

I was so caught up in what I thought I had “lost” that I almost forgot all the gifts that I have been blessed with.

I realised that I never practiced gratitude because I was simply living in my entitled bubble feeling like the world owed me everything.

The truth is, the world doesn’t owe me a thing – I have to earn everything and I have to be grateful for what I was blessed with.

The world works in mysterious ways, but it always works out for the best and according to the plan God has set out for you. I learned that the hard way – simply because I stopped being grateful even for the simplest things.

I have made terrible mistakes in the last few weeks stemming from a mind that has been overwhelmed and racing and my lapses of judgement and choices have been terrible and led to more misery.

 It took a lot of courage from within my heart to admit to MYSELF first, that I am in fact a person riddled with toxic traits, and that the misery I was blaming the world from actually stemming from my own harmful personality traits and habits.

It’s easy to just say those things without really meaning them – but I got the biggest reality check when I realised I was sabotaging every beautiful thing in my life and focusing on the unfairness of my situation instead of being thankful.

It is time to admit – I sabotaged my own life simply because I wasn’t brave enough to take the blame on myself and own up to my mistakes, choices, lapses of judgment and decisions.

It’s a lot easier than you think to ruin your own life – all it takes is one bad decision that goes against your moral and beliefs and depends solely on hurt overwhelmed emotions. And I made more than one of those in the past few weeks. I was deliberately breaking promises, lying and manipulating the truth instantly and spending hours later overwhelmed with grief and sadness over the sabotage I was self-inflecting on my life. I was alienating those closest to me and the people that I loved the most simply because I was trapped in my own head believing I was a victim of my circumstances instead of reigning in my emotions and taking control over my life.

I even stopped seeing Courage and sneaking her treats because I simply didn’t want to look at any silver lining by purposely closing my eyes, wearing a mask and hiding behind closed doors.

Then one day, I received the biggest reality check (slap) of my life when I realised that I’m purposely ruining beautiful things in my life and was on the verge of losing everything.

I immediately went outside to see Courage who was taking her morning walk with my sister in the garden and was enthusiastically chewing on the leaves of our fig tree.

I gave her the biggest hug (which she seemed taken-back by) as I hadn’t seen her in a few weeks and she rested her head on my shoulder. I felt such warmth and gratitude at that moment that I knew something inside my heart has shifted.

It’s never too late to amend burnt bridges – even if they were burnt to crisps – you can always rebuild. I was so entitled that I refused to take responsibility for my own sabotage and kept pointing fingers at the rest of the world. The truth is, I made those choices and by owning up to them I can mend what I had broken.

I know this is a long entry and I’m not expecting everyone to read it to the end – I just wanted to share my experience and tell everyone that it is okay to walk through the darkness and walk through it alone because through strength and patience we all make it out into the light and recover.