How To Teach Love?

As parents of teens, we teach them so less about love. They experience so many changes emotionally. We only push them to focus on education.

These changes are unanswered and often left to their interpretation. 

I have seen teens traumatized and ignored by their parents when they experience this feeling of Love in school. 

Does a 15 year old understand the meaning of Love or infatuation?

I experimented with my son, who is 9. In 4 years, he is going to be a teen. I wanted to check on what he thinks about Love. 

 I asked him, “What is Love?”

He was shy to answer and was shooting questions back to me, as why am I asking him weird questions?

He felt weird because as parents we do fewer life talks and more syllabus talks. 

He started smiling and said, “I don’t know.”

I understood with his smile that he has something in mind. He was scared that I would feel negative about his answer. 

I didn’t give up. I insisted on speaking whatever it comes to his mind. 

He slowly said, “hugging and kissing" and shut his eyes. 

And I smiled and said, 

“Oh, so you think hugging and kissing is love? We don’t hug and kiss each other every day. Do you think I don’t love you?”

He answered, “ Sometimes when you kiss Advik (4 year old brother) I do feel you love him more.”

Okay, this was a shock to me. I understand he is just 9. But as a parent, I assumed that he was too big for daily kisses and hugs. I started doing hi-fi and knuckles with him. 

This is the unknown gap we create as parents, as our kids grow. We as parents don’t explain our actions and transitions as our children grow. 

I asked my 9-year-old, “ Do you hug and kiss your friends?”

He shrieked, “ Mom, yew, we don’t! We don’t love each other we are just friends. Who kisses friends? We do shoulder touch, knuckles, and wiggling palms diagonally.”

I said, “ But you think I love your brother more because I kiss and cuddle with him and not with you.”

He said, “ Oh mom, it's just sometimes. When you scold me more or when I do badly in exams.”

I had a serious look on my face which got him worried.

He said, “ Mom I know you love me and I love you too.”

I replied it's not that. 

We sat down at our dining table. The house was quiet. My husband and 4-year-old son were yet to arrive from kindergarten. 

I took a deep breath and said, 

“Samik, love keeps changing. It’s not like maths or English to stay forever. I cannot tell you the exact way to love. I might hug you over a victory today or I might scold you over your bad behavior - both actions indicate love. 

Your father feeding you dosa so that you won’t miss the bus as you were completing your notes in the morning is also a way of unspoken love. 

Your little brother always buys two chips, two ice creams, and two chocolates even when you are not around is also love. 

Your friend sharing his eraser, books, pencils and crayons is also love. 

Your dad polishing your shoes when you forget to do it the previous night or you were just too tired is also love. 

With each passing year of your life and even when you become an adult just like us, you have to keep looking for the signs of love that are hidden behind care, compassion, and consideration. 

Love is never straight hugs and kisses. It keeps changing the form as you spend more time with anyone. 

Sometimes after some years, you might not like some friend’s actions. After some years you might not like your parents for many reasons. After some years you might not like yourself for some reason. In those times, you must remember that love is to be found in actions and silence. 

You might feel unloved, unwanted, and unlikeable however you have to find those hidden feelings of love and like, within yourself.”

He said, “I love you for making my favorite dosa yesterday.” 

I said, “ I loved that he tried to practice better handwriting even after cricket practice. I know you were too tired to write a sentence, but you tried.”

We use the word love so less in our life. We have created love to happen only between adults. Any other kind of love is termed as an affair, intimacy, or taboo.

A teen is just trying to figure out what is this unspoken love. The love that their parents didn’t talk or teach about. 

Teens experience changes in their physical bodies which are stimulations of their emotional changes too. 

If they try to meet the demands of their emotional and physical needs, it is considered taboo. 

They are traumatized and humiliated and their personality is ruined as they only see disrespect in their parents' eyes. 

As a parent, you must be in their comfort zone and not a fear zone.